First Resignation

It was badly rejected. As i expected.

They said i could do anything to support me BUT AS LONG AS it was inline with their order.

I see double standard here.

What do i do next?

Haruskah aku hidup untuk memuaskan ekspektasi orang lain? But i feel a hole inside me.

Or should i keep fighting for what i deserve?

Sebenarnya hidup itu untuk apa? I feel nothing but pain inside me. Is this what it feels to be alive? Then i do not want to live like this.

Dead lord please give me your signs and lead me to a place with your blessing

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48 days remaining

Dear God,

Aku gak kuat begini terus.

“Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya”.

Tapi aku udah gak sanggup dengan hidup ini. Aku mau resign secapatnya. 48 hari lama banget.

Aku mau selesaikan kuliah dengan tenang.

Sekarang jam 00.09 tengah malam.

Besok UTS Multinational Finance jam 08.00 pagi, belum belajar karena dari sore atasanku udah WA-WA terus. Ada laporan yang harus dikirim Senin. Pikiranku jadi di kantor.

Sampai Rumah, ayahku juga minta dikerjain kerjaan dari kliennya. Ada 2 buku dan satu bilingual. Senin minta dikirim juga.

Sabtu aku UTS sampai siang, lalu kuliah sampai jam 6 sore. Pulangnya ke kantor kerjain kerjaan dari atasanku. Lalu minggunya kerjain kerjaan dari ayahku.

Itu banyak banget ada 4 laporan. Gak mungkin dua hari kelar.

Aku capek begini ya Allah.

Adik-adiku lagi pulang dari perantauan, sebagai kakak aku pengen nyenangin mereka ajak jalan-jalan atau sekedar makan di restoran. Tapi gak bisa karena harus kerja di hari libur, padahal dalam setahun bisa kumpul semua itu jarang banget. Aku sedih, lelah.

I wish everything would be easier, every damn day but the reality always goes the otherwise. It’s getting harder and harder to live everyday.

If this never ends might as well ends my life. What’s the point of living if life is hell.

Struggling to see the light

I am standing on the intersection of quarter life crisis. To keep in this position forever with high return but indeed, high risk. Or to move on and face new challanges, uncertainty return but bearable risk?

What a confusion.

Born into a conservative family, i always taught how to avoid uncertainty, to always said yes when i was told, to never ask why when i saw unrighteousness/incoherence. But growing up with above average intellegence, one thing i was thankful for was the chance to meet/mingle with other above-average-intellegence people. Who were smart, brave, and able to say NO to unrighteousness, whom i called them friends.

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Life Hit You in The Face. Hard.

Well well well, hello blogverse.

I just do quick update. So i am currently writing on my thesis this month and taking USP exam as well.

But the work are too loaded, i  only sleep 1 night for every 2 days (1 night for 2 days). For instance, last time i slept was Thursday night, then from friday to saturday i was mobile between office to campus. Then on Saturday night i finally had my sleeptime again, and i keep alive until Monday night.

I have many works to do, so many

I dont have time to sleep nor to study either for writing thesis or preparing USP, not even doing my regular college assignment (there are like tons every week). Don’t even talk about  my social life, there are none to zero.

i am so beaten up, my back is in pain, my brain is too tired to even thinking critically.

I need good long sleep without thinking about my work (i even dreamt of my work in my sleep ( TTTTT____TTTTT )

If i do not post again anytime soon, you know what it means. This is my S.O.S.

Same Old Love. Or maybe not same.

I always have one same love since highschool. But recently we parts our ways.

You know, people changes but their idea is not. The idea in every person is a core to their life. The way to see things, the way to assess what morally acceptable or otherwise. This idea was planted and absorbed from your daily life, from how your family raise you, from how you are treated by other people, and from how you respond to it.

And you can not change that. No matter how ilogical it is.

For you it seems ilogical, for other people? Not always.

Somehow he is also be part of my idea. But somehow not all idea can be accepted by other human.

I wish us the best.

Because 8 years is not a short time.

Time to move on.


Maybe you think your life shitty, but not as shitty as mine. So just laught at it, yes. Be happy. No matter happen to life. Always seeks one thing to hold on, one thing that keep you sane, one thing that make you want to continue this day and wait for tomorrow.

‘- March 2018

:’(

God, why isn’t gotten any easier? Even just for a tiny little bit?

What is the point of living if i live like this?

I need your guidance, your way, your exit.

Please save me.

– from an imprisoned soul

Unfullfilled

Its 10pm on sunday night and i am sitting in front of my desk at the office, alone. I was ready since 7pm. 7pm was the time my boss promised me he would come. But he didn’t, he would be late, like always. And i always be so innocent not expect that.

That is the view from my office room. So crowded outside yet i still feel alone and stranded in this universe.

I feel unfullfilled.

I always obey what everybody wants, but it seems everybody doesn’t even care about my needs, moreover my feelings.

There is a hole inside me. That one need that i crave so much it hurts me.

I crave friendship. Which i can not have.

I crave togetherness. Which i can not have.

I crave social supports. Which i can not have.

Why can’t i? Because there is always somebody against my needs who will opposes everything i do related to my social needs. Someone will get hurt if i mingle with people.

I told it to once-my-friends, as the result: they stay away from me.

But don’t you see that i am hurting too. I feel so isolated like nobody understands me. I have no longer place to share my feelings, my excitements, my story without making everybody feel offended.

I hope i can kill off this crave.

Or maybe i can replenish it (which is a zero chance).

My message here is: if you care with someone, do not let your caring isolate them. Set them free and they will find you back. I promise.

Rezadimebag Birthday Feast at Kintan Buffet

Hello guys. It has been a while since i wrote daily blog.

Today was another great experience, having my first bbq buffet lunch ever (thanks a bunch guys, i was very happy with a full tummy).

So, today was tha last day of exam, we had Technology and Operation Management final exam, it was easy though since i studied until dawn. We knew that this is the last day we shared a class together due to the fact that next semester we will be separated into minor classes (we are having business administration as our major and I, for instance, will have finance as my minor).

We decided to have lunch together in Kintan Buffet, Sency.

We drove our cars to sency, and i was tailed by Mas Ony, lol. We entered the mall together like fools we were😂. Bekasi’s and Tangerang’s fellas lost in Jakarta’s mall.

Reza booked us 15chairs eventhough only 13 of us coming. Mas Aji came late after we finished the feast tho’.

I had a table with Tyas and Dita. Since Dita had mastering this BBQ cooking skill so she cooked the beef and then passed it to us (thanks a bunch Dita, u r the best bbq griller ever). By the way, she eats a lot just like me.

Beside bbq, Kintan Buffet also serves enermous variation of vegetables and extras such us: 3 types of shusis, noodles, raw seafood, mushrooms, miso soup, yakiniku kind of beef, rice menus, ice creams, nescafe coffe machine, drinks, and many sauces whose name i didn’t know how to pronounce😝. All self served except the beefs.

We were given 90 minutes to have our tables. And in 60mins my tummy felt like it was gonna explode.

After we reached our time limit and prepared our money to pay, Reza then said “it’s already done, no need to pay anything”. And i am like shook😲.

I remember when we wished him birtday in WA Group several weeks ago, he said he would throw a feast. But it was long weeks ago. Who is in the world expected this kind of feast??? A buffet feast??? WELL I AM IN.

Anyway thank you Reza, we wish you all the glory in the your future.

Here is a sneak peak.

pardon my face

Pardon my finger style

My master classmates🤗

I am so happy.

I am definitely gonna bring my siblings here and to Suki buffet too.

Ther are gonna love it.

Reviu Buku: Confess oleh Colleen Hoover (2015)

Halo,

Finally i am going back to my roots, dear readers.

Kali ini aku mau bahas tentang bukunya Colleen Hoover (CoHo) yang berjudul Confess. CoHo is one of my favorite author, dan aku inget banget buku pertama yang aku baca dan bikin aku masuk ke bookworm dimension adalah Slammed Seriesnya CoHo.

Back to Topic, Confess bercerita tentang female protagonis bernama Auburn Mason Reed. Pada bagian prolog awal diceritakan tentang Auburn dan Adam saat mereka berumur 15 tahun. They were each other’s first. But Adam menderita sakit parah dan going die. Continue reading